The purpose of everything I am doing right now is to cut through all the crap and get to what’s real. I had been a part of women’s groups and conversations and read books that have all left me wanting more.
This pursuit of a meaningful makeover has led me to be honest about where I am at spiritually, mentally and physically. The goal being that I just want to be ALL the me I was created to be and maybe inspire some along the way to do the same. I have been reading, writing, learning, sharing, talking. I have been interviewing, questioning, goal setting. I have been counseled and coached. In the past, I have done programs, weight watchers, shakes, ordered DVDs, made accountability plans with friends…all of which lasted for a few weeks and eventually ran out of steam.
I no longer have the luxury of running out of steam. I decided this time to really dig up all of the hard stuff first. Deal with the heart issues that I have that keep me literally weighed down. I even go to a 12 step recovery group at a church on Tuesday nights, specifically to deal with the addictive and behavioral aspect of my urges that lead me to binge eating.
I shared a couple of weeks ago in another post that I was given the imagery of having built a monument to a lifetime of pain with all this weight I carry around. It couldn’t be more true. We talked last night about anger and abuse in my recovery class and it came around again and hit my right between the eyes. The statement was made that people continue to carry their hurts around with them in their life because they just don’t believe that they are as astoundingly valuable as they really are. It evoked images in my head of people struggling and bustling to work holding coffee cups while wheeling suitcases and duffle bags around. Lugging backpacks and totes. Literal baggage hanging all over them as they pretend to ignore it and carry on with their day.
We ALL do this.
Some to greater lengths than others, but we all have our baggage. We all, at some point, fail to see the value in ourselves. The value of our lives woven with others. The value that God sees in us and created us with.
The time has come for me to go ahead and set the luggage down. Some of it not even mine, I’ve been carrying it around for others.
To begin demo on this monument. I have been living my life accommodating it. Living around it. Squeezing it into booths at restaurants hoping that no one will say anything. Hiding it under layers of clothes. Tucking it safety underneath the bluff of my composure. Laughing it away, swatting at it as if it were nothing more than a pesky fly.
This month begins the doing. I’ve done the digging, the sifting, the weeding and uprooting in my heart. Now it’s time to get busy, and stay busy.
Below is an email I received from a dear friend, as encouragement to tearing down my monument. I HAD to share it. I’m so grateful for every person God has removed from my life that was life taking, He has replaced with life giving.
“When I was reading your blog this morning the book of Nehemiah came to mind and
the whole thought process of how you are rebuilding your life. Not necessarily building
walls…but the walls of your life and self-esteem have been torn down over the years…
and God is wanting to build you up…from what seems to be the outside as well as
Read chapter 4. Be encouraged my friend,
you are loved.”
The chapter is referring to opposition to the rebuilding of the temple for God. The Jews were being mocked and ridiculed and insulted as they built. But they prayed and kept building. Pushed past the difficulty. In realizing that the wall was still being built their enemies became angry and planned to attack them and kill them so they would be stopped. So the people of Judah kept praying and finally in verse 13: “Therefore I stationed some of the people behind the lowest points of the wall at the exposed places, posting them by families, with their swords, spears and bows. 14 After I looked things over, I stood up and said to the nobles, the officials and the rest of the people, “Don’t be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives, and homes.”
My friends email said, “In numerous portions of your blog you said you are doing this for you…but you also want to be a better example to your daughter and son…God is fighting for you and your family my friend!”
It continues in verse 15: “When our enemies heard that we were aware of their plot and that God had frustrated it, we all returned to the wall, each to our own work.
16 From that day on, half of my men did the work, while the other half were equipped with spears, shields, bows and armor.”
She concluded with,” If you will allow me…I want to be one in your life who stands in the gap for you and will cover with prayer and stand guard for you…doing battle while you work your Realology.”
Let the trumpets sound then!!! There will be opposition, but I know that victory is on its way!
Austin Franklin Thomas
The demolition is the easy part. It’s the building that is hardest. And I think you’re off to a good start in that regard. 🙂
Being an extremist, it’s the day in day out consistency I need help with. Im great with bursts….but bursts never last.
Girlfriend, you are an inspiration! You’re taking an important step and though I don’t know you well, I am here to help support you. It’ll be tough, but I can see you have what it takes to win this one!
Thank you so very much!!! I need all the encouragement I can get to keep the momentum going! 🙂
We are so comfortable with where we are. Or so we think we are comfortable. Giving up the baggage and not picking it back up is hard. Sometimes I still want to go back and retrieve it. Thinking that it was easier if someone was “taking care” of me. Oh how sweet it is when we no longer reach out to carry that load. You are getting there Mandi, awesome lady.
Thanks Ann!! I’m finding that in being totally transparent about it all instead of dealing with it in secret is propelling me forward more than I could have imagined. I’m just along for the ride 🙂
Sent from my iPhone