A couple of months ago I reached a major milestone as a writer of this blog, by celebrating my 10 year WordPress anniversary.
I published and shared my maiden blog post and poem with my little corner of the world on February 20th, 2013. (Link to read that below.)
At the time, I had named the blog, “Realology: The Unexpected Study of Me” and later changed it to “Mandimonologue”.
Truthfully, the name never seemed to matter. It just simply was “my blog”, and for the past ten years it became a digital extension of ME.
A running chronicle of my inner thoughts and musings, as I was completely unraveled and woven into something new…again and again.
Initially, my only intention was to document my “pursuit of a meaningful makeover” project, and in hindsight…that’s EXACTLY what it truly was all along.
I’ve been reading through some of my earlier posts recently, and can now see so clearly the many “WHYS” behind all of the various lessons and journeys my 30 year old self was about to embark on.
Hindsight is wild.
30 year old me started this blog during a time when my foundations were beginning to crumble. I didn’t know the extent of it at the time, but I was being led to turn, and FULLY face myself, and all of my demons, for the first time.
I was a young mom and wife, trying desperately to live in line with the beliefs that my husband and I were building our lives upon. Even though, little by little they were being challenged in a way that forced us to begin to zoom out and begin to see things from a new perspective.
I didn’t have the language of “church deconstruction” at the time, but looking back now, that’s exactly the path it forced us to walk down.
At the time, it felt terrifying and very lonely.
It didn’t feel like the freedom it actually was.
It was a faith crisis.
And, it called EVERYTHING into question for me in a way that I had been taught to avoid as a Christian.
It was a “slippery slope” I was told that I was on…veering away from the doctrine that was being pushed on me that felt nothing like the loving God that I had encountered when I first believed.
Eventually, I had to choose to let go and try to have the faith to continue beyond what others approved of…in search of MY own TRUTH.
So, it came as a big surprise to me, that fitness showed up as the vehicle for 30 year old me to step out with courage and start to dig deep and find that truth.
I had to own that I was 420 lbs, miserable and needed to make a change.
So I blogged about everything.
The good, bad, ugly and indifferent.
I shared my heart.
My personal triumphs, losses and everything in between.
I’ve found myself and lost myself many times in the past 10 years writing this blog, and the only thing I know FOR SURE…is that I will continue doing just that…again and again…until I’m dead.
Death and resurrection on repeat.
Just like Jesus has always shown me…and continues to show me.
Maybe it’s taken me 10 years to realize that faith, purpose and identity is an inside out job?
The more I realize that, the less and less I need people outside of myself to understand or validate.
Now that I exist in the 40 year old version of me, I think about all that I could whisper into the ear of that 30 year old self that would prepare her for what was in store.
I would tell her that I am so proud her.
That she has balls and bravery that she doesn’t even know she has yet.
I would tell her that her whole life will change many times, and even though she won’t be able to see it sometimes, everything will turn out ok.
Everything else I would let stay a surprise.
And, it really only makes me look forward to what my 50 year old self is whispering into my ear…even right now at this very moment…about the things yet to come for us.
I’ve gotten really good at saying goodbye in the last 10 years.
Ive mastered the art (begrudgingly!) of letting go.
I myself never experienced a traditional graduation, or ceremonious celebration of service while leaving a job or anything, so I guess this is as close as I’ll come to that for now.
I’ve known for a while now that it has been time to close this chapter of my story and head into the next unknown.
Thank you all who have joined me and have been a part of this blogging chapter of my life.
Your sincere interest, support and encouragement of my writing and journey has meant everything to me.
I’m sure this won’t be the last you’ll hear from me…but until then…
It’s a wrap. ?✌️
Beautiful written, Mandi!!!! Being in my mid-30s now, I totally relate to how you felt when you started your blog…there is a lot of death and resurrection, but I dig it.
I’ll miss reading your blog! Keep writing, even if it’s only for yourself ?