We’ve all seen the weight loss shows on tv where the no-nonsense trainer shows up in the life of a fat person who’s reached the point of desperation and promises to change their life.
I’ve often watched these shows for motivation but in all reality it ended up becoming more self deprecating than anything; watching pounds melt off of sweating people as I am eating bowls of ice cream or left over pizza.
Envy would ensue and I would make myself feel better by remembering that this was just TV magic. Real people cant realistically lose weight like this. If I could live on a ranch and do nothing but work out and cry with a trainer for 82 hours a day I might lose weight too.
But I still liked to watch. As jealous as I’d get, I still wanted to see what they all looked like after they lost the weight and got make overs.
It got to the point where I wouldn’t watch the show if my kids weren’t in bed because my son started to figure out what the show was about and he began to look back and forth from the tv, to me, making connections that I was not yet ready to face.
One thing I am sure of, I HATE the way people talk about their “old” selves after they’ve lost all the weight. Like the fat person they were was some disgusting costume they were being forced to wear.
“I won’t go back!” They cry. “I don’t even know who that pathetic person is.”
If there is anything I can say for sure its that WHEN all of this is over and there is finally peace in my heart…and I lose all my weight…I will know EXACTLY who this person is.
Right now, this minute.
Each day that I choose to be real and seek true healing and wholeness I become more and more the ME I’m meant to be.
If I can’t love and appreciate the me that resides in this body right now, I wouldn’t deserve being blessed with a stronger, healthier one.
This body has endured a lot. It has been strong despite the choices I’ve made. It has carried me through business, chores, commitments, tough work and even child birth, giving me two healthy babies.
Disconnecting with who I am right now is what has kept me from being honest about where I want to be going. My life wont be valuable and worth living if I’m thinner!? It is valuable now. I’ll just get to enjoy it so much more!
Step by step, I know I’ll get there and I guarantee I won’t be ripping up old pictures of myself the way I am now. I will look at them with respect of the pain, sorrow and hopelessness that was captured in them. I will be proud that I didn’t allow myself to stay in it and surrender to it.
I will praise God for setting me free.
I pray this for myself but also for anyone else who is struggling with me…a slave to food…tormented by your body…whether you are trying to lose weight like me or desperately need to gain it from extreme restriction…may God give us the strength, faith and love to get us to where we are going.