Today marks day number 10 in my at home rehab.
Only two more sets of 10 days to go.
In all reality, what I’ve learned is to quit looking too far down the road and just deal with getting through today. One day at a time right?
The past 10 days I have been motivated and stringent in my “sober” living. Ive had to conduct each morning with finding new and fresh inspiration.
I think of my “why’s”. My hubby. My babies. Myself…the newborn appreciation I have for myself. The respect I’m trying to earn for myself. Confidence. The inner beauty I want to possess, to pass on to my daughter. The list is long and complicated while at the same time predictable…you get the picture.
I think of how my brother has quit smoking, cold turkey and has now sailed past 30 days, while sharing a roof with our dad ( NO easy feat! I’m so proud of you!). The resilience he has had to push through that kind of temptation has been very inspirational to me.
I think of how our youngest brother has had to surrender many things in the past year and a half to thrive as much as he has in the Army. The grueling physical demands, the food preferences he has had to sacrifice. The determination he has had to muster to rise above crippling homesickness. He has not yielded to the rigors of training or even the ridicule of being “new”. We have watched him take each new phase on and conquer it.
I want to honor them both and make them both proud. If they can do what they’ve done, surely I can do this?!
I think of all the things I will be able to do in life with much more ease. Things get tricky sometimes for a fat person. Things you don’t think of ( you might know if you watch the biggest loser). Some I can’t even share. Some are obvious, tying your shoes, crossing your legs, shopping at a normal store, not being afraid of a roller coaster or airplane ride. My personal favorite will be not worrying about being seated in a booth at restaurants. Humiliation is great for motivation. Maybe not. But I know where I’ve been and what I’ve felt and I have no interest in living there forever.
It’s hard when your drug of choice is food. As the lady of the house, ( although I know it isn’t always the case ) I’m the one who is in charge of the grocery shopping and the creation of meals. Bites and tastes here and there.
This has always allowed me an “exit hatch” in any diet plan I’ve ever tried. Always allowances for weekends or parties. The usual B.S.
This time I’ve allowed no such negotiations. I assumed this would leave me feeling deprived and obsessed with what I could not have, but 10 days of cleansing and abstinence has left me feeling surprisingly powerful. Sober minded. Clear. Calm. The “panic” I’ve talked about before seems powerless. Thanks be to God! Lord knows what happens when I try to control things…that’s how I got into this mess in the first place.
The fact that I’ve declared to undergo this experiment with 24 hour access to my pantry and refrigerator might sound preposterous, but this is where the rubber meets the road. I’ve just made up my mind about this. That’s it. Plain and simple.
At least for today.