“Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done.”
– C.S. Lewis
The “unexpected study of me” was conceived after I was faced with some challenging debates in what I had believed to be a solid faith. I had become pretty comfortable in my corner of American church culture. Over time you relax into it as you learn the language and customs as you would in any foreign land. Fluency brings friends, seniority and “opportunities to serve”. So I got busy. If I’m being honest, most of the time it’s as much about impressing your Christian friends with what your “doing for The Lord” as much as it is actually serving for the Lords sake. We want to feel useful and like a contributing and vital member of the club. We want to feel welcomed and part of something big. And we are, we are just too busy and impressed with ourselves to notice it.
I came to a point where I had to stop and examine what my own personal faith was all about. What do I really believe and how to I genuinely and sincerely live that out in my everyday life? I’ve written in previous posts about how trying to live up to the “standard” as a wife and a mother in our church culture has left me feeling stupid and missing the mark. I have a genuine desire to be the wife and mom that my family deserves but trying to mold myself into someone else’s version of that left me really loathing myself and feeling like a constant failure. I also have a genuine desire to be authentic and real as a person. I don’t want to be in self-denial or deceiving myself about anything if I can help it. The only way I know how to live this way is to be REAL.
So when certain theological trends and debates starting to weave their way into my life, my discomfort with the content sat in my soul and began to stink. I wished I could understand. I begged for clarity because I was desperate to gulp down this new
point of view that my friends were so easily understanding so that I could hurry up and get on the band wagon. It doesn’t feel good to be the only kid in class who doesn’t “get” it. Never mind that scholars and theologians debated these same points over the past thousands of years…
The inadequacy I felt became staggering. So, not only was I a lousy housewife and Christian mother…but now I can’t even grasp these “simple” biblical concepts.
Deep down I knew this wasn’t right so I began my soul search…and here we are. Digging up the REAL truths of what I believe about my faith, myself, beauty, motherhood, wifedom, and friendship. I have found that instead of seeking God to unlock the all answers I’m seeking or unlock me from the chains of being overweight…I need to just seek him because He is GOD.
Every morning really is new.
The things we think we KNOW for certain are fleeting. We have to be really careful in how we project our faith onto others…we are all on our own journey. God is way too wonderful for anyone to capture with human words.
“For God has not given us a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love and sound judgment.”
– 2 Timothy 1:7