Yesterday I was informed that an article I was interviewed for was published. This is supposed to be GOOD news right? I found myself with a mixture of emotions.
My husband insisted that we pick up actual copies. Reluctantly I surrendered. He came home with the newspapers and I was nervous as I picked one up to flip to the story I was a part of.
Stopped immediately to notice a thumbnail photo of me standing between the other two ladies was on the COVER.
Flipping to the feature, I was met with a large, round familiar face staring up at me from the pages. The article is huge. Which should be a celebration. Two pages filled with wonderful content about the workshop I got to be part of and even a little shout out to my blog. All of this new, fresh and exciting to which I exclaimed,” Ugh. Nasty.”
My husband rolled his eyes. He is used to my self abuse.
But then something worse happened.
My son came up to me from the other room with his eyes fixed on my picture on the paper page and yelled,” Wow! My mommy is on a magazine! Why is it nasty mom?”
What is wrong with me?!
I pulled myself together and smoothed it over so that he didn’t know that I was referring to my picture. I wanted to let him be proud of me. That is an appropriate response. I am the one who is sick and insecure. I wrestled with it all night. Back and fourth. Imagining the comments that might be said when people look upon my picture. Kind of regretting ever have posing for it. Praying to just go ahead and let what is, be.
I woke up this morning and I BELIEVE God put this blog post on my news feed. It speaks for itself…PLEASE READ. It says everything.
I hate being fat too, once when I was overcome with disgust for myself, I went to the bathroom, put this song on http://youtu.be/th2sCzuzqTg and kneeled on the floor and cried. I didn’t see anyway God could use a pathetic loser like me. He told me no matter what I look like or what my sins were, He loved me and I was His child, therefore I was valuable. Then I imagined Him covering me and my ugliness with this beautiful fragile golden sparkly veil. It was so beautiful that you could no longer see my ugliness underneath of it. His beauty covers my ugly. He makes me valuable and beautiful. Because of Him, not me. He lifted my lowered head and told me I am His and if I wanted help with my body, He was there for me, He wouldn’t leave me ugly, He would slowly mold me and transform me into beauty. I had to trust Him and know He loved me too much to let me stay fat and ugly.
My journey with weightloss is slow, but it’s not the usual way I would do it. I’m constantly having to ask Him for help when I get into situations I don’t think I can handle and He is helping me. I pray that you too will be able to see how valuable you are to God.
Beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing!!!! Especially thankful for the prayers. I’m just trying to be real and honest about all this..instead of stuffing it and living life like its not bothersome. It’s so nice to know we aren’t alone in our struggles,