“Until we have seen someone’s darkness we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness we don’t really know what love is…[until you confront and acknowledge your own darkness, you will never forgive].”
– Marianne Williamson
I hate having to face myself after a binge.
After making the choice to go out of bounds and indulge myself, I always have to look myself in the mirror afterward. It doesn’t feel good or rewarding in any way. Giving into the temptation always seems like it will bring relief but temptation is a liar!
It sucks.
The only thing yielding to it brings is shame.
Truthfully, I hate having to face a lot of things about myself…but the whole point of Realology is gaining the faith and courage to face the truth and tell it.
But, sometimes it just seems easier to keep things hidden in the darkness, even though the only things that grow and thrive in the dark are toxic.
Like black mold. Infiltrating the overlooked nooks and crannies of your house before finally showing itself. Revealing its destruction and rot. The only way to get rid of it is to gut it out.
Can’t paint over it. Can’t build walls around it…it would only spread through eventually.
Self deception is like that. Sharp and clever and we are skilled experts at it. But eventually…you can’t avoid the stink, and the walls have gotta come down.
The hardest part about trying to live in freedom, without relying on food (my drug) for comfort, is that I have to be constantly faced with my own ugliness, and choose to have a willingness to be honest about it. Choose to turn myself and my affairs over to a trustworthy God. It’s not like ill have it all figured out and “cured” one day. It’s a daily struggle…I will probably grapple with my entire life.
The beauty that emerges from this ugliness is that facing my own darkness gives me the ability to have empathy for others…which helps me to KNOW and FORGIVE as I learn to KNOW and FORGIVE myself. We are all dealing with the same issue…it just looks different for each of us on the outside. Understanding and love can grow out of this…that is a miracle.
What I’m learning is that it’s easier to look myself in the eye when I’m in the light.
Basking in it.
Soaking it all in and letting it reach every corner and crevice. Instead of fighting it and running from it, but instead, letting it dry up all those dark, soggy parts that beg to stay hidden.
One day at a time, praying, “just keep me where the light is…”
“For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease. He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection. Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night, nor the arrow that flies in the day. Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness, nor the disaster that strikes at midday. If you make the Lord your refuge, if you make the Most High your shelter, no evil will conquer you; no plague will come near your home. For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go. They will hold you up with their hands so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone. You will trample upon lions and cobras; you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet! The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.”
(Psalms 91:3-6, 9-16 NLT)
