I’m sitting in the airport waiting to board my flight that will take me to Sedona, Az.
I’m headed there for a four day wellness retreat that I’ve been invited to serve and lead at, alongside some of the most incredible women in the wellness/fitness retreat space.
Just a few hours ago, I was at home rushing to finish a bunch of stuff before it was time to take off.
I finished packing, and posted on the social media accounts that I manage, and made sure to follow up with any questions or inquiries that were pending. I finished writing up workouts to send out to all my garage gym/summer bootcamp peeps for the week (since I’ll be gone), and made sure to respond to emails that have been waiting for me.
I was even surprised to see that a podcast project I’ve been working on with one of my closest friends went fully live today for people to listen to! So, we scrambled to post and share about it, all across our platforms to see if people might follow and be into it!
It was a crazy morning of hustle…tying up all of my loose ends so that I could focus on the week in front of me.
Now that all of that’s done and I’m sitting here waiting to board my plane, I am realizing that the past month of my life has been such an emotional whirlwind and struggle that the term “tying up loose ends” seems laughable and even a little…dishonest.
I’m realizing that all I am guilty of posting all of my “highlight reel” stuff…like, suprise birthday celebrations, bad ass workouts with my bootcamp peeps, travel/retreats, and projects that make me look ambitious and cool…and then leaving out the harder, more complicated and WAY less cool stuff that makes me real.
My much anticipated 40th birthday came and went last week with mixed emotions.
On one hand, I am more blessed and alive than I have ever been!
I am (mostly) surrounded by only those who genuinely love me, and want to see me win.
I am the most healthy, vibrant, honest, bold, courageous, content and supported than I have ever been.
I am more in love with my husband and my kids than I have ever been.
I am more comfortable and confident in who I am, what I am capable of, and how I show up in my life…than I have ever been.
But on the other hand, I have also been scared and struggling.
I have been afraid of the world and all it’s happenings. I have been afraid of our finances and how incredibly hard these gas and grocery prices have begun to drain out our little cushion of safety. I have been anxious and worried about the future…everyday the news seeming more and more grim.
I have been angry about it all, and feeling sorry for myself, and how hard it’s been for us the past few months as we’ve been hustling. Becoming stressed instead of working to stay focused on all I have to be grateful for (like I know I should be!)…but this is real talk.
It’s also been hard to feel the pressure of these things during scary times, and realizing that no matter how hard you try…you will still be so incredibly misunderstood and abandoned by some of those in your life who are supposed to love you the most.
And all you can do is simply let go, and let yourself feel the feelings of loss.
It’s been a LOT.
The truth is, last week I, (at first, reluctantly) had to accept a new job that was offered to me at the manufacturing plant that my husband has worked for 20+ years.
Not an admin or office job either…
A real ass, safety boots, glasses, and earplugs kind of hard labor job.
A position that has me helping in the shipping department Monday through Friday for the next foreseeable future (except for this week, and a few more upcoming retreats that they have made accommodations for me to be able keep my commitments to).
I’m confessing that leading up to my first day, I had a bad attitude.
I felt that taking on this new job was absolutely necessary for my family…but that it also somehow meant I had FAILED at being a coach…and all that I have been working to stand for, and hold onto in the fitness space all these years.
I felt, almost ashamed?
Like I was going backwards instead of forward.
As if I was giving up on all that I have been saying that I was going to do, on my “ #thisis40 “ self-love parade I’ve been on all year.
But, then I actually started the job and realized that I am absolutely FULL of shit.
What I ACTUALLY received last week were many GIFTS, as I stepped into this next chapter of my life.
First things first: this is NOT a fail.
How LAME and even, disrespectful of me to assume that my big dreams and goals would have to be tabled if I did not have an “ideal”, self-made schedule available to me in order to stay on my grind. When, SO many amazing people that I look up to have several jobs and projects going at all times, as they work to keep a good work/life balance and still be present with their loved ones.
Successful people RARELY have a clear, linear path. If anything, this is already forcing me to get super focused on my priorities and how I can become even more organized and efficient at the things I have before me.
Secondly, how lucky am I to have even been offered a job that will provide so much stability for us when so many people are struggling to find work? Even in our worst and hardest times, we have not come close to the hardships so many others have to endure.
Not only that, I was humbly shown that I have the physical fitness and ability to be able to do a job like this now.
4-5 years ago, I would have been immediately disqualified from this kind of job opportunity because I would not have been able to keep up with the physical demand.
I thought about it all week long, and even got emotional about it. Realizing how strong and resilient my body has become outside of a gym setting had me feeling proud of myself in a way that I had certainly never imagined.
The greatest gift of all.
I will tell you that knowing and trusting that your spouse works hard and holds it down at his job for almost 25 years is 100% different when you have the opportunity to actually SEE him in it.
I took it for granted.
When I tell you…
I had imagined, but had no idea what a big deal he truly is.
I had no idea how deeply respected and relied upon he is.
How significant his expertise, knowledge, work ethic and integrity is to the team he leads, and the overall production of what goes on in that place.
I had no idea how incredibly and fiercely PROUD he would be to have me there, working with him in his element.
I had no idea what it would mean to him to have me step into this season alongside him, to make sure our family is solid.
And truthfully, I had no idea the depth of his selflessness.
Sacrificing his own sleep, hobbies and all kinds of things I’m sure I’ll never even know about, to somehow show up day in and day out for YEARS at work to take care of his family, and still be able to show up for us at home the way he has?
I had no idea that while I was pouting about all that I thought I was “giving up”…that I was really about to be shown the abundant riches that I already have, with even more to come if I can keep my focus in the right place: in gratitude and humility.
So, this really IS 40 for me now.
And, I’ll take it.