Well I’ve been typing and deleting, back and fourth all morning. Unsatisfied with any of the blog post ideas I’ve been working on.
The truth is, as much as I search, I can’t seem to find any clever and insightful things to share with you today that feel right.
So, I’ll just go with raw honesty?
That always seems to work.
I’m not sure if it is because the novelty of my 30 day challenge has officially come to an end or what!? But the past two days have been EXTREMELY hard for me. As I write this, I am still technically “sober”. I have not strayed from my “in bounds” eating and am still practicing the lifestyle I adopted during my rehab. However, I feel like my addiction and the “panic” that comes with it
( I’ve shared about this feeling before, read about it here: The panic | Realology
https://mandimonblog.wordpress.com/2013/04/09/the-panic/ ) is starting to creep in. This gripping obsession with food, eating to soothe and the ugliness of this mind-prison is really NOW starting to show itself. Starting to goad me. Compelling me to give in. It scares me to death.
The adage of “one day at a time” has never been truer than it is for me now. I feel so much better, I know I don’t want to go back to the way I was feeling. I’ve lost about 20 pounds and while I know that is amazing, with SO much to lose, it barely seems to skim the surface. Still, it’s 20 pounds I DON’T want back on me.
So I will continue to turn this over to God, because I KNOW I don’t have to strength within me to resist my raging appetites that bid me to say, “f&$# this! I’m having a pizza!” just to relieve my mounting anxieties. It seems so stupid to be a slave to pizza and food, but it is so real.
I have to be kind and loving enough to myself right now to hold firm and stay this course. I deserve to be free and live the life God has for me.
It’s so much harder than you’d think, but the accountability of this blog truly helps.
Thanks ALL of you for your prayers and support.