At this very moment I am scattered. My phone is nowhere to be found, the iPad charger has been compromised. The computer upstairs is refusing to cooperate. I feel panic and nakedness. Okay, okay, first world problem I know. But as I make due typing this on the kids kindle I find myself thankful for first off, deciding to get that iPad. Secondly, grateful that panic and anxiety cannot consume me, though sometimes it’s so intense it feels like it can.
The best way I have been able to describe my food addiction reality to my husband and inquiring loved ones is by calling it “the panic”. The inner hurricane of panic that I feel compels me to engage in my behavior…the eating then becomes the drug that calms and soothes. The panicked feeling coming from this repeated tape in my head saying that I have to seize this opportunity to eat! I need to eat it now in case I never have it again, so I actually better eat a lot, just to be sure. The leftovers that call to me just because they are there. The second plate of food that is acceptable to consume, so consume I must. The secret drive through trips just because I’m a grown up and I can. Soothing and numbing my way up the scale and into total misery. Every social gathering as an excuse for a last horrah. Every “deal” on a meal too good to pass up. Excuses and compromises all day. Surrendering to the “panic”.
Day two of my in home rehab/boot camp has me asking myself the question, “what if I don’t surrender to the panic? What if for once in my life I just go ahead and feel whatever it is I’m trying so hard not to feel? What if I just go ahead and throw up my hands and surrender my control. I’m not managing everything as well as I’ve tricked myself into believing. So, just for today, I will wave my white flag and admit that I am scattered, naked, panicked and broken. I am confident that the God who is big enough to hold the universe together in intricate detail can handle it. I have faith that I will not be consumed but rather be filled with peace and strength. I am BELIEVING this today.
Seeing this all typed out and ready to send out to the world to read feels stupid because it’s so intimate and revealing but I know that there are many others who can relate in one way or another. Talking about the hard stuff takes the power out if it.
Now, I HAVE to go find my phone!