I didn’t sleep at all last night. There was tossing and turning. There was shaking leg syndrome. There was resorting to scrolling through the apps on my phone. Finally, I had to get up and lay on the couch for a while so I wouldn’t wake up the hubs who has to be up early for work.
I became so frustrated. What keeps me awake some nights is the awful pain that I have in my feet. Sometimes it’s manageable, other times it seems unbearable. I wrote a revealing piece about it here: https://mandimonblog.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/awake-again/
The hardest part about pain management recently has been my dedication to a sober eating life, with no binging. The up late at night with pain/binge eating combo has been deadly for me in the past. Self medicating and soothing. Giving me all the excuses and allowances to distract and numb myself from what was really going on. Last night stuffing myself with food and having a binge was not an option. It forced me to just sit with the discomfort. I started to get a little bitter. Asking God things like,” why can’t you help me?” , “I know you can…do you even hear me?”, “Sometimes I wish you would throw me a small bone of faith.” “I can’t do this.” These wicked little thoughts were multiplying by the dozens. A negative attitude moves in hot, quick and violent. Demanding your FULL attention. I began to feel sorry for myself and allowed myself to massage envious thoughts about how easy everyone else’s lives were. Nobody else has to literally WEAR their sin, hanging from their skin like I do. Nobody else has to endure this constant, never ending, maddening cloud of pain like me. Hhhhhmmp. “Why do you stay silent God?”
Well. Of course all of THAT is rubbish and simply not true. Not only do I have absolutely no idea the extent to what other people are suffering with, I most certainly have it way better than most. What an IDIOT I must have sounded like. Like a big baby, I finally tuckered myself out enough to drag myself back to bed.
I woke up this morning when my husband did and wasn’t able to fall back to sleep after he left. I laid in bed all cozy, determined to hunker down until the last possible minute. That’s when I was bombarded with wisdom and insights and answers. I stumbled over them in my brain like I was walking through a dried river bed of rocks.
Laying in bed I remembered trying to find a popular bible verse to text to a friend last night, Proverbs 3:5, when the verse directly below it had caught my eye,
“Don’t be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear (respect) the Lord and turn away from evil. Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.” (Proverbs 3:7, 8 NLT)
The previous night when I read it, I gave it no real thought. But this morning it was keeping me from falling back to sleep. My mind drifted to a play date at the park that I shared with a dear friend earlier this week. Here comes a verse that she shared with me that has been popping up again and agin in her life,
“A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength. ” (Proverbs 17:22 NLT)
Which immediately reminds me of this gem that I had to memorize for some bible study sometime…
“A peaceful heart leads to a healthy body; jealousy is like cancer in the bones. “(Proverbs 14:30 NLT)
Okay, so what is being communicated here in the wee hours is that a jealous, broken spirit that relies on its own wisdom will sap a person of strength. It is like cancer to the bones and is downright evil. I cant argue with that!
Respecting and trusting God will bring healing. A cheerful heart is good medicine, that’s free and available for consumption constantly. And lastly, peace in my heart will lead me to a healthy body.
I find myself drifting off to sleep and my mind fires off one more memory flash from this past week. One of my dearest girlfriends had texted me a picture of one of her brand new, just hatched baby chicks. Her text had said something like this, ” Look at this little beauty! She reminds me of you…I had to sit and watch her struggle and I couldn’t help remove the shells because her struggling to break out and free is what gives her the strength to survive outside of the shell. I think that God is like that sometimes. Even when we feel like He is not around or even cares to help, He is there…allowing us to struggle because he knows it’s good and will make us stronger.”
I was and am still awestruck. Answered prayers are awesome.