If I acted on my urges I would have reached out by now.

I would have broken this ice of silence.

I would have told you how deeply I still miss you sometimes.

How much it all still means to me.

There are a few things left I could not bear to throw away,

stored and hidden away.

Behind the clothes in my closet.

Waiting for the day

when no one will notice if I pull them out and wear it all on my sleeve again.

I would share how much I’ve learned while I’ve been away.

I would be able to say all of the things it has taken a year to store up and say.

I would share how the pain

and the terrible cost of what was lost

was worth these new versions of ourselves we were meant to become.

I would thank you showing me the depth of love that lives inside of loss.

I would at last, be strong enough!

To not let it kill me-

the inevitability,

of your rejection.