“I am, The Lord your God. Who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,’ Do not fear, I will help you.”
– Isaiah 41:13
This is a hard post to write…but it is heavy on my heart to share. I know I’m not alone.
The funny thing about being on track and doing well is that my inner extremist steps in and starts to act crazy. This has the potential for danger!
I suffer from an “all or nothing” complex. I like to do things well and superiorly when I do them. This is especially potent when it comes to eating and food.
Balance is what I seek.
Freedom from the manic behavior in my heart that seeks to control, whether its in the form of gluttonous binging or fierce restriction. This is why I have continued to stay fat and imprisoned in this body…the back and fourth from extremes is always too much and I give up, all or nothing. That’s why it’s defined as “dis-ordered”.
That being said…I’m working step by step each day to learn to listen to my body. To appreciate my body I stead of loathe it. To listen to Gods still small voice instead of that panicked one that I’ve been so used to giving in to.
I’ve been doing well and experiencing peace little by little. So, the other night when I had been up and awake with chronic pain,
( read more about that here: https://mandimonblog.wordpress.com/2013/03/13/awake-again/)
I was surprised to find myself in the throes of some violent temptation. (I shouldn’t be surprised right?) I know that I have an enemy who doesn’t want to see me released…I should be more prepared to face these tactics!
My resolve and gained momentum became distracted by my pain and I sought to soothe it with food. I had a 3am binge that didn’t help what-so-ever and ultimately only brought the usual disdain and self hatred.
The binge that follows a week or so of good choices and “in bounds” eating is especially hard because the feelings of failure and shame are intense and seek to isolate and break you.
The shame starts to whisper old familiar lies,” Well, you CAN undo this…you know how. Just throw it up. No one will know. You’ll erase what’s been done here and be right back on track.”
I am happy to report that though I gave in to the temptation to eat, I did not give in to the temptation to hurt myself to “erase” it.
I confess this is hard to disclose.
There have been times in my past I HAVE given into this and sought this false sense of control and power only to feel worse and further shame.
I’m sad to admit that I’ve hurt myself in that way but I’ve realized how very seriously we need to talk about this as women!
So many of us are suffering in secret.
So many of us NEED to drag this beast out into the light of day!
We define eating disorders as something someone who is severely anorexic or bulimic is going through that might require rehab or treatment. This is true, but I am STUNNED to discover more and more of women I love are more commonly dealing with a casual dis-ordered relationship with food. I have been since I was about 16 years old. Dabbling with restriction, resorting to puking at different times. Yo-yo dieting my life away. Feeling worthless because my body wasn’t beautiful. FEELING LIKE FOOD HAS CONTROL OVER ME.
It’s all lies.
It has to stop.
Lord, please help us!
Help your daughters seek to nurture and soothe themselves with you. Help us to find our worth, value and beauty in you and how you’ve created us to be. Please continue to be my strength as I seek to be free…thank you or helping me be honest and seek health and recovery so that my daughter will have a mother who can be a strong example to her.
In Jesus’ name~amen.